Project Freelancer Plays Cards Against Humanity
by Little Dragon-kun
Summary: North and South convince all of the Freelancers to play 'the world's most offensive game', with hilarious results! Warning: Typical CAH themes and Roosterteeth language. Currently a test version, taking requests
1. Blaming Japan

_**A/N: Hey guys, this is my newest Red vs. Blue fic, featuring the lovely men and women of Project Freelancer as they get their hands on Cards Against Humanity! Also, I decided to ignore my doctor's orders lol. Warning: General Rooster Teeth language and some just awful themes.**_

***Deck 1***

Wash and York were watching the Grifball game when North and South came in, each with a small box in their hands. North put his package down. "Get everyone in here, quick!"

York rubbed his eyes in boredom. "Why? What could possibly demand the attention of all of us at once?"

North tossed him the box, and York studied it. "Cards Against Humanity? What the fuck is this?"

South leaned closer to him. "It's a card game where you try to make the funniest or most offensive sentence possible. There will be a black card that says a sentence or phrase with a blank, and the players must fill in the blank with a white card. Whoever has the funniest sentence wins the round. The score can go up to fifty, I think."

York sighed, and he left the room to get the other Freelancers. Soon, he returned with CT, Wyoming, Tex, Carolina, Maine, and Florida. "Here they are."

South quickly explained the rules again, and surprisingly everyone wanted to play. She began to pass out white cards to everyone. "Okay, we are about to begin."

"Why the fuck did I not get any!?" Wash complained. South glared at him, sending slight shivers up his back. "Because you are the judge this round, dipshit."

She shook her head and the black card was read aloud. "**(Blank). Goddammit Japan.**" They quickly tried to fill in the phrase, and Tex went first. "A Japanese schoolgirl covered head to toe in semen. Goddammit Japan." This was deemed hilarious by Wash and CT, the latter who put down her own card. "Tentacle Porn. Goddammit Japan."

Maine and Florida snickered, but the surprise was Carolina. "Not bad. But I've got a good one." She put her card down. "A big-breasted fourteen year old wearing a mini-skirt and sucking on a lollipop. Goddammit Japan."

Wash and York began chuckling, until Maine put his card down. No one was able to understand his growls that well, so they all peered over the table to read his card. "A giant purple dildo. Goddammit Japan." Everyone looked at each other before they began laughing, even Carolina and Tex. "That's fucking hilarious!"

Maine shrugged, a smug expression on his face. Wyoming let out a sigh and placed his down. "Best I've got, chaps. Godzilla fucking Mothra. Goddammit Japan." Carolina and CT struggled to keep a straight face, for they remembered watching those old Earth movies with Wyoming and Tex.

Florida ran a hand over his head, looking a bit dejected as he put his card down. "A micropenis. Goddammit Japan." North and York both spat out some coffee. "That's fucking racist!" Florida glared at the younger Freelancers. "Yeah, well so is the rest of this bullshit." The older man did have a point, as many of these cards did seem incredibly offensive in every single sense.

CT let out a sigh. "Guys, it IS called Cards Against Humanity for a reason. I doubt this is supposed to be tasteful." York shrugged in resignation. "Good point. I believe it is now my turn." He put down a card, and Wyoming face-palmed as he read it aloud. "Vending machines that sell used schoolgirl panties. Goddammit Japan." The British Freelancer sighed as he looked at it again. "You know, the sad thing is that one is actually true. You can blame Japan for that."

North looked through his deck, groaning in frustration. "Man, this one's gonna fucking suck ass." He slammed a card down, and he tried to hide his face as York peered over the table to read it. "The baby boomers. Goddammit Japan." He glared at North. "That's something you blame Germany for, dumbass."

"Man, fuck you."

"No thank you sir. I do not swing that way at all." Wyoming and Maine started snickering, while South cleared her throat. "Can I fucking go? Thank you." She placed her own down, the final card for this round to be played. She seemed rather confident too. "Hentai princesses. Goddammit Japan."

Carolina gave her an exasperated look. "While I will agree that is something we can blame Japan for, we don't all need to know about your secret little fetishes." South began to blush, her mouth opening and closing wordlessly.

Wash stood up, his face hidden behind his hands. "Okay, I will now announce the winner of this round. It is….Agent Carolina." Everyone except the redhead began to groan and boo Wash's decision. "You only chose her because she can whoop your ass!"

Wyoming stroked his mustache. "That seems to be a good enough reason to me, though. Shall we continue?"

This would the game that really made the agents lose brain cells.

_**A/N: Very short, but I'm hitting a wall here. Leave me any suggestions that you may have, and I'll give you the honorable mention. See you!**_


	2. Profits

_**A/N: Heh, I have another chapter for Project Freelancer Plays Cards Against Humanity! This chapter goes to AuroraBlix, who gave me the brilliant suggestion for the next card! Hope you like it**_

***Profits***

Wash flipped over the next black card, and South took over. "I'll be the judge for this round." She cleared her throat and read it aloud. "**Step 1: (Blank); Step 2: (Blank); Instant Profit**."

Everyone playing took two cards out, and Wash went first since he was the judge last round. "Step 1: Gavin's Dick; Step 2: Michael Jones; Instant Profit." CT and Florida began howling with laughter, for nothing made the two crack up more than some good old fashioned yaoi. "Oh man, we might have a winner already."

Wash bowed gracefully. "Thank you; thank you."

Carolina glared at Wash, signaling for him to shut up before she put down two herself. "Step 1; Linkara sexily eating a banana; Step 2: A FUCKING DRAGONITE MOTHERFUCKERS; Instant Profit."

This one left the majority of the agents confused, especially Wyoming and Tex. "What the hell is a Dragonite?"

"And who the fuck is Linkara?"

Carolina's eyes were narrowed in slight annoyance, but she gave up. "Like you have anything better."

Tex smirked evilly. "Oh, but I do." She put her cards down. "Step 1: Getting the tip of your penis bit by a snapping turtle; Step 2: A lamprey leaping up from the toilet and latching on to your taint; Instant Profit." This made all of the male Freelancers cringe and hold their crotches, although York put it into words best. "Yeah, the profit for a fucking horror movie."

"That was the most disturbing thing ever…of all time."

"Shut the fuck up Wash."

"Okay Tex."

Wyoming placed his cards down catching everyone's attention as he read them aloud. "Step 1; Fairy Tail hentai; Step 2; A giant bucket of semen; Instant Profit." Maine looked up Fairy Tail on his laptop, and he showed everyone what it was. South face-palmed. "It's an anime?" Maine nodded.

"And there is ton of lesbian sex material to use?"

Another nod. South groaned. "Goddammit Japan. Only they would make something like this into hentai."

"That was last round, South."

"Fuck you Wash."

"Really? What time?"

South growled and made to punch him in the face (or dick, depending) until Maine cut them off with a sharp hiss, placing his cards down. York read them aloud for the massive Freelancer. "Step 1: A vagina; Step 2: A penis; Instant Profit." Many of the agents laughed as they realized just how true that statement was. "Damn Maine, you seem to be getting the ones that are true."

The silent Freelancer shrugged, looking smug. Until York read his own ones. "Step 1: Jaune Arc; Step 2: Cardin Winchester; Instant Profit." **(A/N: Special for AuroraBlix!)**

Carolina stroked her chin. "I see where someone could make money off of that. I mean, there is tons of yaoi material to use."

"Yes, we all know what you masturbate to at night," Tex retorted. Carolina was beyond furious, but she couldn't think of anything to say, even as Florida placed his down. "Step 1; Rooster Teeth; Step 2; Monty Oum; Instant Profit."

Wyoming shared a glance with North, who had yet to go. "Who the hell is Monty Oum?"

"And what is Rooster Teeth?"

Florida groaned inwardly, annoyed. "Would someone just fucking go?"

CT sighed. "Sorry guys. I didn't have much to work with. Step 1: Sheila the Tank; Step 2: Furry porn: Instant Profit. Told you it was rubbish."

"It's worse than that, love."

"Shut up Wyoming."

The British Freelancer smirked. "Do you want me to tell a knock-knock joke then?" CT groaned, wishing she had never dug the grave she had just fallen in. "Please don't…"

"Knock-knock."

"WYOMING!"

"Knock-knock."

At this point Tex had duct-taped Wyoming's mouth shut to prevent him from going on. "There. All done now."

North, who was the last one to go for the second round, placed down the last two cards. "Step 1: Gordon Ramsey; Step 2: Shitty Vietnamese food: Instant Profit."

Even through the duct tape, Wyoming still managed to muffle a laugh as the image of the angry British Chef eating Vietnamese food and then raging about the quality was too good to pass up. "MMMMMMMMMMMMMMPH!"

South cleared her throat to get everyone's attention. "The winner of round 2 is….Agent Maine for the truth of his own."

"Grrr."

"Um, Maine? Was that a thank you or a death threat?"

"Grr."

"Oh, okay."

The Freelancers were hooked, but this was only round 2. There were many more shenanigans ahead, including reasons why Mommy is crying, and what Santa gives the bad children on Christmas instead of coal.

_**A/N: XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD. I do have some very awful ideas, as I do happen to have a set of CAH. Again, leave any suggestions and have fun reading!**_

_**Ja'ne**_


	3. The REAL Reason Why Mommy is Crying

_**A/N: Hello, and welcome to another chapter of Project Freelancer Plays Cards Against Humanity! This one includes reasons why Mommy is crying, and be warned from some awful themes as usual.**_

***The REAL Reason Why Mommy is Crying***

South handed the deck of black cards to North, who let out a sigh and flipped over the next card to start round 3. When he began to read it, he face-palmed. "Oh for fuck's sake, you have got to be kidding me."

"Why? What is it?" York asked, leaning over the table. Unfortunately, this made Tex and Carolina glare at him intensely. "York, if you want your baby makers to be functioning, I recommend sitting the fuck down."

The tan Freelancer took Tex's threat seriously and sat down, taking the black card from North so he could read it aloud. "**Daddy, why is Mommy crying? **Wow, we could have a lot of material for this one. Why are you bitching about it, North?"

The purple Freelancer rubbed his temples in slight frustration. "Because Florida is going to give another shitty one. Again." The blue Freelancer stood up in protest, but glares from Tex and South made him sit back down, muttering something that sounded a lot like "Asshole."

York made to place his white card down, but Tex cleared her throat. "Ahem. York, it's ladies first, you know. South, will you go?"

The lavender Freelancer nodded and placed her card down with an amused smile. "Mommy is crying from the Chinese gymnastics team." York and Florida both spat out some coffee. "That's racist as fuck!"

Wyoming rolled his eyes and held up the box. "Guys, it's called the world's most offensive game for a reason, so stop bitching about it and just play." Carolina nodded and placed her card down. "Mommy is crying from getting your penis caught in a mousetrap." For probably the umpteenth time, the male Freelancers cringed and held their crotches protectively. "Please don't…"

Maine set his card down with a small hiss of annoyance, prompting York to read it out loud. "Mommy is crying from sex on ice skates." Wyoming smirked as he nudged CT. "That sounds very fun. CT, you wanna try that?"

CT glared at him, her fist clenched. "I will rip your spine out and use it as a coathanger." She slammed her hand down, making many of the Freelancers jump. "Mommy is crying from erectile dysfunction." **(A/N: AuroraBlix!) **

Florida and Maine let out amused grumbles, with Wyoming still trying to play off the fact that CT had probably just beaten him. "Not bad CT. Not bad at all."

Florida groaned and threw a card out, feeling slightly annoyed. "Mommy is crying from that annoying teeny bopper Doctor Who fan who's butthurt that the new Doctor isn't in his twenties." Wyoming and South laughed, for they had watched that show many times with everyone. "Oh man, that is so true…"

North slapped the older Freelancer on the back. "For once, that one wasn't shitty. Good job mate."

Wyoming placed his card down, leaning back. "Mommy is crying from getting sodomized by a toilet plunger dildo." York and Maine winced. "Ouch…that has got to hurt Wy." The massive Freelancer let out a small growl. "Grr."

"Maine, was that you saying 'I know' or 'You're an asshole'?"

"Grr."

"Oh, okay. Yeah, I agree with you. I hope that isn't a real thing either."

Wyoming held up a picture of one on his datapad, a sad smile on his face. "Sorry chaps, but it really is. They need a real job."

Wash was next, and his card sucked again. "Mommy is crying from my humps." CT and Florida exchanged glances, confused as fuck. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"I know, it doesn't even make sense!"

CT glared at Wash, who was stunned by the horrible reactions. "Wash, you suck harder than Kim Kardashian. And that is saying something." Wyoming and York laughed at the insult. "Ooooh, burn!"

Wash put his head down in defeat. "I fucking give up at this…" Tex slapped him as she threw a card down on the table. "Don't. my card might suck more than yours for this round. Mommy is crying from a Weeping Angel giving the finger."

Wyoming shook his head in slight amusement. "Nah, yours was better Tex. Wash's was worse." Tex sighed as she looked up at the ceiling. "I can see it now…a Weeping Angel is giving North the finger as I pin South under the mistletoe…"

"TEX!"

"What's wrong with that? what did you think we were doing in the shower last week?"

"I regret asking," North groaned, letting his head fall on the table. He sat up to announce the winner. "The winner of this round is CT. Sorry, but that one was deemed the best."

So, Mommy is crying from erectile dysfunction. Well, that explains last night in a nutshell…

_**A/N: XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD. Next up is how they lost their virginity! Any suggestions are welcome!**_

_**Ja'ne!**_


	4. How We Lost Our Virginity

_**A/N: Sorry guys! Been having to catch up with some other fics of mine, and this kinda got pushed to the side. But don't worry. This is where the Freelancers find out how they all lost their virginity. Warning: CAH themes inside**_

***How We Lost Our Virginity***

Maine placed his large hand on top of the black pile, hissing. York raised an eyebrow in surprise. "You want to be the judge? Really?" Maine nodded, letting out a grumble. York put his arms in the air, letting him take the role. "Okay then."

Maine flipped over the next black card in the pile, and he growled in slight exasperation. York snickered as he read it for the rest of the Freelancers. "**How did I lose my virginity?** Aw man, we are really going to have fun with this."

York threw his down, his hands behind his head as he confidently tilted his chair onto its back legs. "I lost my virginity to a fence pole." Wyoming and Texas winced. "I would not like to have that shoved up my ass, thank you very much."

The British man stroked his mustache before throwing his card onto the table. "I lost my virginity to a Japanese tentacle porn star." CT rolled her eyes as she smacked him on the back of his head. "The sad thing is, that's probably true."

Wyoming shrugged, an amused smile on his face. "This is quite amusing. A winner won't come easy."

_Meanwhile in another time…_

"BOW CHICKA BOW WOW!"

"TUCKER! SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

_Back to the Freelancers_

Tex smirked as her card landed on the pile. "I lost my virginity to bees." Wyoming gave her a strange look. "What did you do to the bees?" Tex shrugged her shoulders, an innocent smile on her face. "Not giving you that information."

"I lost my virginity to Trainer Green Okido," Carolina declared as she placed her card down. CT and Tex began to water at the mouth. "He is the only really sexy male character from Pokémon…"

"If only he was real…"

Having enough of the swooning girls, Florida placed down his card. "I lost my virginity to the profoundly handicapped." All of the Freelancers either gasped or laughed their asses off. "Oh fuck! Florida! That's so wrong, but it's funny as hell!"

Florida put his hands in the air, smiling. "Thank you, thank you. You're all so wonderful. Not really." Wyoming let out an amused snicker as Tex and Carolina gave him death glares. "You might want to take that back, chap. They look quite cross with you."

Florida scoffed and ignored the glares. "Nah. Your knock-knock jokes are a better defense." The British man perked up, surprised and happy. "Really? Knock-knock."

Florida and York rolled their eyes. "We were joking. Now shut up."

"Shut up who? Shall I go on?"

Tex rubbed her temples in frustration as York raised his hand in a threat to hit the British man. "We were fucking kidding! Now shut up!"

Before Wyoming could go any farther with his terrible scheme of driving everyone completely fucking insane, North groaned in annoyance and slammed his hand down. "Dammit. It's probably worse than Wash's, but here it is. I lost my virginity to Gavin Free." Carolina rubbed her head, Tex didn't speak (neither did Wyoming, Florida, CT, York, and Maine), South let her head crash onto the table, and Wash was the only one who spoke. "That was the worst one ever…of all time."

"Fuck you Wash."

Wash smirked as he went. "No thank you, sir. I'm afraid…mine is actually worse. I lost my virginity to the Stig." Wyoming's jaw dropped, incredulous. "Wait, as in THE Stig? The one from Top Gear UK?"

Wash gave him an exasperated look. "Is there another fucking Stig out there in the universe? Yes, as in the one from Top Gear UK. It's the only watchable British show on." South shared a confused glance with York. "Who's the Stig?" York put his hands up, covering his face. "Ask Wyoming."

South looked over at the British man, and she gulped at the smirk he had. "Oh, you'll find out who the Stig is pretty fast…"

_Ten minutes later_

"HOW THE FUCK CAN HE HACK INTO HIS OWN HELMET!? AND WHY DOES HE KEEP A PICTURE OF HIS FUCKING WALLET IN HIS WALLET!? FUCK!?" South screamed, her face incredibly red.

As she continued to yell at the top of her lungs, Maine hissed and pointed at Florida. The older man was a bit surprised. "Really? I won?" Maine growled, and Florida fist pumped. "Fuck yes! Finally!"

_**A/N: Next up, the Freelancers find out what the school trip was ruined by. XD. Leave suggestions below!**_


End file.
